Start by writing a lousy résumé. Be sure to be as general as possible so it’s impossible to understand what was actually done. Don’t forget to say in 14 bullet points what can easily be said in five. Should the desire surface to have someone proof-read the document, ignore it; it’s obviously a waste of time for something that will only be read once. Use (or should I say utilize?) as many industry buzz words as possible; nothing better indicates a long and illustrious career.

Lastly, make absolutely sure you request to reschedule your phone interview half an hour prior to its commencement. This one works especially well when I’ve cut my sleep short and arrived at work early just for your interview.